Trying to Find Peace of Mind

Treatment starts soon. And I'll be honest. I'm more afraid of the treatment than I am of the cancer.

Right now, I don't think I'm really feeling the cancer. I could be. But most days what I feel is my heart and my kidneys. So when I look at treatment, part of me thinks, this is the thing that's actually going to start making me sick.

I've thought about whether to do it at all. I keep telling myself that starting doesn't lock me in. If it's taking more than it's giving, I can stop.

I've already got palliative care involved. People hear "palliative" and think hospice. It's not. It's a team whose job is keeping you comfortable while you're still in treatment. But honestly, that's not the main reason I called them. I wanted whatever resources they have for people going through this, and I wanted someone for Charlotte. A counselor, a social worker, somebody.

I'm extremely worried about her. She's the most stable person I know, and the last thing I want to do is break that. I've been reading the forums, and the posts from spouses are the hardest to read. They're devastated. Crushed. All of them.

So I decided I don't want Charlotte to be my nurse at the end. I want her to be my wife in the room, not the one doing the work. If she wants to pitch in, she can. But I don't want taking care of me to be one more thing she has to carry every day.

What do I want? More time. That's it. And I want to stay strong enough to qualify for whatever new treatment comes along next.

I've also started the process for New York's Medical Aid in Dying Act. It took effect here on August 5. My birthday. Kind of eerie. It's for people with 6 months or less left to live, and you need 2 doctors and a mental health evaluation before you qualify. I'm not there yet. But when I get closer, I want it to be an option. Charlotte supports whatever I decide. She doesn't want to see me suffer.

I started now for peace of mind. What scares me about the end isn't dying. It's feeling like I'm suffocating, or being absolutely miserable, when I already know the end is coming. It came up in my research, and I thought it would be a good option to have. Just knowing it's there gives me some peace.

If you're wondering how it works: your doctor prescribes a mix of medications, and you have to take it yourself. You drink it, fall asleep within a few minutes, and don't wake up. From what I've read, it doesn't hurt. You just slip away. And you never have to use it. In Oregon, about 1 in 3 people who get the prescription never do.

This isn't giving up. I'm still fighting for more time. And nobody has to agree with it. It's my decision.

Round 1 is close. I'll tell you how it goes.